


APSHDS Chatlogs

by Lauralot, WhatEvenAmI



Series: Beware the Killer Rabbits [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Bucky Bear - Freeform, Diapers, Gen, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Non-Sexual Age Play, Past Abuse, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Shame, Stuffed Toys, Wetting, alexander pierce should have died slower
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-26 20:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15008462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatEvenAmI/pseuds/WhatEvenAmI
Summary: We edited a bunch of chatlogs from some of our APSHDS-related discussions on tumblr! Just some meta, little aspects of canon that didn't make it into the fics, AU hypotheticals, and so on!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Little Interludes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3705493) by [Lauralot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot). 



**WhatEvenAmI:**

Okay but in the scene where he starts to have an accident in front of everyone and Steve carries him away

He is so BEYOND dead of shame.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey

It's okay

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Everyone _saw_ and he's still having an accident on Daddy's shirt and he can never face anyone again.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky no

it was an accident

**WhatEvenAmI:**

he sobs on Steve's shoulder

**Lauralot:**

Buckyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Steve shushes him and hugs him so tight

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky's still wetting on him so he just cries more

**Lauralot:**

Bucky

Steve carries him to the bathroom and sits down with him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He helps Bucky unzip his jeans and sets him on the toilet

at this point Bucky's almost done, so there's almost no point

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just shakes and cries

he's too hysterical to speak

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve pets his hair and tries to comfort him.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky's almost hyperventilating and Steve is worried he'll pass out

**WhatEvenAmI:**

When he's finally done Steve picks him up again and holds him close so they can go to Bucky's room to get new clothes. He'd go get them, but he can tell he shouldn't leave Bucky alone right now.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky gives himself the hiccups with all the crying

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve gently helps clean Bucky and re-dress him all while shushing him and promising him it's okay and no one's mad.

He then burritos Bucky tightly into a blanket so that he can clean himself up too.

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwwwwwwwww

I'm just picturing Bucky all wound up in a burrito of shame and self-loathing

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Hiccupping a little

**Lauralot:**

aw honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve dresses Bucky in a pull-up (just to be safe) and his Captain America pajamas

he also borrows one of Bucky's Disney shirts and some jeans.

He gets a tall glass of water for Bucky and holds it up and encourages him to take a sip.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky shakes his head

"I don't want it to happen again!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You need to drink water, Bucky. I'll never be mad at you no matter how many accidents happen."

**Lauralot:**

"I don't need it."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve sets the water aside for now and gently scoops up the Bucky-burrito

**Lauralot:**

He rocks him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You're safe, Bucky, and you have protection on, and everyone loves you and wants you to take good care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself."

Steve keeps trying to get Bucky to take a deep breath and sip the water.

He snuggles him and pets his hair

**Lauralot:**

"Everybody saw me!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"They're not mad. They still love you."

**Lauralot:**

"What if they don't?!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve cuddles him closer. "I'm sure they will. They're just worried about you."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky never wants to leave his room again

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Natasha taps on the door then, having come up to check on him

**Lauralot:**

Bucky hides behind Steve

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Can I come in?"

Steve re-burritos Bucky and picks him up and snuggles him.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just burrows up against Steve

He's too worked up to answer

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Come in," Steve answers, since Bucky won't talk

**Lauralot:**

Bucky tries to completely conceal himself in the blankets

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve obligingly tugs the blanket over his face as she enters.

**Lauralot** **:**

he tries not to breathe

maybe she'll just mistake him for a blanket lump

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Awwww Bucky

she definitely will not

**Lauralot:**

But it's possible!

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Hey," she says softly, resting her hand on the part of the blanket where Bucky's shoulder seems to be

**Lauralot:**

Bucky tenses up

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Are you okay?" She asks

**Lauralot:**

"Uh-huh."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I was worried about you. You were so scared."

**Lauralot:**

"Sorry," Bucky mumbles.  "I'm okay."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Don't be sorry," she says gently. "Hey, can you look at me?"

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sticks his head out of the blanket

He doesn't want to but he doesn't want to make Nat upset either

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"It's okay," she says softly, "no one is mad at you. They just want to know if you're okay."

**Lauralot:**

"I'm all right."  He's all red again.

"I just...wanna stay here for a while."

if not forever

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"That's okay," she says, "Want me to bring you dinner? You can make a blanket fort and we can eat in that?

**Lauralot:**

"Uh."  Bucky has no idea what to say.  He was so convinced no one would want to be around him anymore.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Oh honey

She rests his hand on his shoulder and waits for him to answer

**Lauralot:**

"I guess," Bucky whispers.  "Okay."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

In the fort, watching Disney, Bucky scoots gradually over to her. He wants to cling but he can't shake the feeling that she won't want him to touch her

Slowly, though, he does wind up affixed to her side with his head on her shoulder.

**Lauralot:**

He's just so sure this makes him unlovable

aw Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She puts her arm around his shoulders and gently pats Bucky Bear.

**Lauralot:**

"You're not mad?" Bucky whispers

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Why would I be mad?" she murmurs back.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sniffles.

He knows there's not really a logical reason why should would be but

He still feels like he's been terrible

"I don't know."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She gives him a look. "We talked about this self-punishing habit of yours."

**Lauralot:**

"Pierce got mad."

"And I'm still scared everybody else will too."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She takes his hand. "I didn't know that. But it's different here. You didn't mean to. We all know that."

**Lauralot:**

"I know," Bucky mutters.  He tries not to squeeze hard on her hand.  "It's just...it's hard."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I know." She sighs. "Everyone loves you a lot. And they care about how you feel. So really they just want you to be okay."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just leans up against her

He's not sure what to say

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Pierce...punished me really bad, one time," he whispers eventually.

**Lauralot:**

Oh honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She just listens in case he needs to talk about it.

**Lauralot:**

He's shaking a little just remembering it

"He asked how he was supposed to love me anymore."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Oh sweetheart.

**Lauralot:**

It still hurts so much

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"That's awful," she murmurs. "I'm sorry, Bucky. You're with lots of people who love you now, no matter what. Really love you, not just making you do what they want."

She touches her forehead to his.

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwww

Bucky hugs her as best as he can in the blanket burrito

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"All I had was him," he whispers, "If he didn't love me, there was no one. I know it's different now. But I'm still scared to make everyone hate me."

**Lauralot:**

Natasha holds him

She knows how that feels

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve also holds him because his heart is breaking and he wants Bucky to remember how loved he is.

**Lauralot:**

awwww

Natasha suggests they make cookies

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky nods and frees his hand from the burrito to hold onto hers.

**Lauralot:**

awww

Steve carries him to the kitchen without detaching their hands

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They pile candy into the cookie dough.

**Lauralot:**

awwww

Bucky Bear supervises the process and Bucky stirs

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Nat holds Bucky Bear so he'll know he's still loved too

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwwwwwww

Bucky Bear may grumble about it but he's secretly appreciative

**WhatEvenAmI:**

later that night they're having a sleepover in the blanket tent and Bucky clings onto Tasha and whispers, "The time I told you about. I—I—I wet the bed. I was with him." He rolls over abruptly and buries his face in his pillow.

**Lauralot:**

oh honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Tasha rubs his back

**WhatEvenAmI:**

It's scary to talk about

**Lauralot:**

it's okay Bucky

Tasha will not judge you or love you less

**WhatEvenAmI:**

but he needs her to know because he needs the reassurance that he's good and Pierce shouldn't have hurt him.

It's really hard to deal with that because he hasn't been talking about it.

**Lauralot:**

"It's not your fault, Bucky."

"You didn't deserve anything that he did."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"But he got so mad," Bucky whispers.

**Lauralot:**

"He'd have gotten mad at something else anyway," Tasha points out.  "He got mad about other stuff that wasn't your fault either."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"But I, I, I got it on him," Bucky stammers.

**Lauralot:**

"That happens with kids," she says firmly.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He curls up into her. "I had a bad dream," he whispers, "And I was so scared when I woke up. And I just wanted him, but he pushed me on the floor." He sniffles.

**Lauralot:**

Tasha hugs him so tight

"Steve would never do that.  Nobody here would. He was wrong."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He was so grossed out by me. I just...his face was so so mad. I still feel it."

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

Tasha just holds him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He starts to cry into her shoulder.

**Lauralot:**

oh sweetie

She tells him that there's nothing he could do that would make her hate him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He whimpers

**Lauralot:**

honeyyyyyyyyyyy

She asks if he wants Steve

**WhatEvenAmI:**

he was getting to the punishment part but he's not sure he can say it

the memory itself seems humiliating

**Lauralot:**

It's okay Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He shakes his head and holds onto her hand

**Lauralot:**

If you can't say it now you don't have to force yourself

She squeezes his hand gently

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He keeps trying to get deep breaths so he can talk

**Lauralot:**

It's okay, Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He punished—" he starts, and then a sob cuts him off.

**Lauralot:**

Buckyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

"He was wrong," she says fiercely.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He made me drink," Bucky begins, squeezing his shaking hands around his bear.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He made me drink till it hurt," he goes on after a moment.

**Lauralot:**

Tasha doesn't say anything because she can tell he's struggling to speak

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He wouldn't let me go to the bathroom," Bucky forces himself to say, "I tried to hold it, but—"

He's too humiliated to finish the sentence

**Lauralot:**

"He was wrong, Bucky.  He was wrong to do that, and he's lucky he's dead, because if I got my hands on him—"

She doesn't finish either.  She doesn't want to upset him even more

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He just left me like that. For so long, and I didn't - he told me to stay and I stayed." Bucky sobs again. "I just stayed there, I just wanted him to come back, I was too stupid to know anything else."

**Lauralot:**

"You weren't stupid," she insists.

"He was all you had and you were scared and he tricked you into thinking he was right.  It isn't your fault."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I just wanted him to love me again," he sniffles. "Please don't tell anyone."

**Lauralot:**

"I won't.  I promise. But you didn't do anything wrong, Bucky.  He did."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky burrows closer to her. "Then why do I still feel so dirty?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Because he was all you had.  And you didn't want to believe that the only person who could take care of you was so awful.  So instead you decided that you were the problem, and if you could just be better, it would be okay."

She looks down.  "I know what that's like."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He makes a scared noise and snuggles on her.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Love you," he whispers a moment later.

**Lauralot:**

"Love you too."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Their bears snuggle together.

**Lauralot:**

awwww

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky and Bucky Bear sneak into a lot of beds over the next few nights to cling on people.

**Lauralot:**

awwwww

Bucky Bear is very nervous about it every time **  
** especially with Clint's floor

he doesn't want to get eaten by Lucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Awwww Bucky Bear

they both get lots and lots of snuggles

**Lauralot:**

when Bucky's on his way to Bruce's room he has an accident in the elevator because Bucky Bear's so scared that Bruce might not want him around and hulk out

**WhatEvenAmI:**

awwwwww BUCKY

Okay but imagine he's got his pull-up on

**Lauralot:**

Yeah

**WhatEvenAmI:**

and after going to Bruce in a panic he shyly confesses that he needs a change

and Bruce just casually takes him to the bathroom and shows him a cabinet where a few of his pull-ups are

everyone had Tony bring some to their floor just in case

**Lauralot:**

aw honey

Bruce asks if he needs someone to come with him back to his room

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky is so overwhelmed by everyone supporting him and not hating him

**Lauralot:**

Tony you're the best

are there also Bucky Bear pull ups

**WhatEvenAmI:**

D'AW

BUCKY AND BUCKY BEAR ARE BOTH SO SO EMBARRASSED

**Lauralot:**

aw guys it's okay

no one is judging you

**WhatEvenAmI:**

THEY ARE OVERWHELMINGLY RELIEVED TO BE LOVED AND SUPPORTED

BUT

THIS IS REALLY REALLY EMBARRASSING AND EVERYONE GOT REALLY REALLY INTO PROVING THAT THEY STILL LOVE HIM AND HE KINDA WANTS TO HIDE

**Lauralot:**

oh sweetie

Bruce will let you hide if you need to

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bruce lets him change in his bathroom and piles blankets in the corner like the blanket fort in the lab

The blanket pile, rather

**Lauralot:**

awwww

Bucky and his bear dive into it

Bucky Bear grizzles for a bit

He kind of wants to maul Tony now

**WhatEvenAmI:**

And then once he's got Bucky all snuggled up in the blankets he brings him chamomile tea and brings out some storybooks to read to him.

D'aw Bucky Bear

**Lauralot:**

awwwww

Bruce stories are always really great and calming

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky Bear, everyone supports you and they kept pull-ups for you on their floors just to make sure you'd feel supported

they love you and want to help you no matter what.

**Lauralot:**

Yeah, but

they have his pull-ups

with the patterns and EVERYTHING

**WhatEvenAmI:**

But they have them for you, so that you know you're loved and welcome to stay with them anytime and they'll have anything you need when you do!

**Lauralot:**

But

but what if they decide they're sick of taking care of him and just laugh?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They won't, Bucky Bear

**Lauralot:**

But they could!

Bucky Bear is very nervous

even with Bruce's stories

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Awwww Bucky Bear

**Lauralot:**

Bruce offers to hold him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky shakily nudges him out of the blankets.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

Bruce can hug you too

**WhatEvenAmI:**

All the hugs

**Lauralot:**

"Bucky Bear's scared you're mad at him," Bucky whispers.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bruce assures him that he's not and that accidents happen and they're part of trauma and trauma isn't his fault. And they're here to help him heal and they love him.

Also that he's sure Hulkbear still loves him.

**Lauralot:**

"You don't think he's bad or gross?"

awwwww Hulk Bear

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"No, of course not. Everybody needs to go to the bathroom, it's just a fact."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky and his bear aren't sure what to say

so they just cling to Bruce for a while

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"My last daddy thought I was bad," Bucky whispers eventually into the darkness. "I didn't know it would make him hate me. And now I can't stop being scared."

**Lauralot:**

ohhhhhhhhhhh Bucky

Bruce tries to reassure him that his last daddy was wrong to scare him and hurt him for something he couldn't help

It was wrong to scare him and hurt him at all, even if he'd done it on purpose

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky just clings for a moment. "Okay," he says finally, in a tiny tiny voice.

**Lauralot:**

oh sweetie

Bruce just holds him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

When Bucky finally falls asleep, Bruce goes to his floor to retrieve Hulk Bear so that when Bucky wakes up, Hulk Bear is snuggling Bucky Bear and reading to him.

**Lauralot:**

AWWWW

Bruce, you're the best

Bucky's so amazed and happy when he wakes up

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky Bear feels so loved and safe

**Lauralot:**

he makes quiet, happy bear noises

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He also promises that a team keeps each others' private information private and they still think Bucky Bear is brave and strong and they won't tell anyone about the times he feels scared or needs help. Everyone has those moments sometimes, but everyone has the right to keep those moments private.

D'awwww happy bear noises

**Lauralot:**

Bucky Bear is very snuggly with Bruce for the next few days

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He smells like chamomile and his sweaters are very snuggly.

**Lauralot:**

d'aw

Bucky and his bear duckling around after Bruce for a while

**WhatEvenAmI:**

d'awwwwww

Bruce patiently accommodates them with snuggles and tea

he provides Bucky Bear with a giant knitted sweater so Bucky Bear can have a sweater he stole from Hulk Bear

**Lauralot:**

AWWWWWWWWWWWW

that's so CUTE

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky Bear is SO SO HAPPY

**Lauralot:**

Everyone thinks he's the cutest thing ever when he's all engulfed in his big sweater

**WhatEvenAmI:**

It's SO SNUGGLY

it makes him happy

**Lauralot:**

he just rolls himself up in it and makes happy sounds

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Cutest bear

it increases the happiness to realize that everyone thinks he's adorable, not gross.

**Lauralot:**

yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that these chapters may make references to previous speculations—if you're seeing something we're referring to and you're like "wait, I don't remember that in APSHDS", that's why! The chats have been edited somewhat for comprehension but have mostly been left unaltered. But we're always happy to answer questions in the comments!
> 
> Where you can find our tumblrs: [WhatEvenAmI](http://perplexedhedgehog.tumblr.com/) and [Lauralot](http://lauralot89.tumblr.com/)
> 
> You can see that a lot of our scenarios have an obvious theme. Because we're traaaash!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this section of chat isn't as structured as the last one, and in part of it we have two scenarios going at once and they have a lot of overlap time. Hopefully no one has trouble following along, but if you do, feel free to ask questions! We're happy to answer.
> 
> This chapter is included in the chatlogs because it has some important buildup to a third chapter that we're currently working on! Also because there's a lot of Bucky being cute, and everyone loves a cute Bucky. Hope you enjoy!

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky being scared to have sleepovers with Natasha when he's having problems with leaking.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey

Does she try and persuade him anyway?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Oh definitely, but it's complicated because he doesn't know she knows what the problem is.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

He's just like "I don't think tonight is a good idea" for every night

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Poor little guy

**Lauralot:**

Tasha keeps asking what she can do to make it a good idea

**WhatEvenAmI:**

later on, after the incident with the ducklings, does she ever let him know that she knew a long time ago and the sheets are protected?

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just mumbles into his bear about 'not feeling good'

Yeah, definitely

**WhatEvenAmI:**

How does it come up?

(She wraps Bucky Bear in a blanket and announces she's going to help him feel better.)

**Lauralot:**

I think that one fic I wrote basically ended with Nat telling Bucky she knew about things, the conversation probably happened after the end of the fic

Awwww Bucky Bear

He grizzles to keep up the 'doesn't feel good' act

**WhatEvenAmI:**

did he ask?

(She gives him medicated honey to help.)

**Lauralot:**

probably

all red and not meeting her eyes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

How did he ask?

**Lauralot:**

"How..."  He sighs. "How long did you know?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He's very red and she knows exactly what he's talking about.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She sighs. "I always did," she says. "You don't remember a lot from when you first got here, do you?"

**Lauralot:**

Bucky shakes his head.

He can't make himself look up.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You had to be monitored when you were alone, so that you didn't hurt yourself or anyone else. I didn't know you then, and I wanted to be careful and keep an eye out, just in case. A lot of the time, I was the one monitoring you. Not for very long," she adds, "But then when you had seizures and you lost control of yourself, or when you weren't really in reality and you were panicking, you'd say things that...kind of let me know it was still happening. But I didn't bring it up." She puts her hand on his arm. "I didn't want you to feel bad."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky involuntarily squeaks

That probably means everybody knows, if they took turns watching him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She rubs his arm, trying to comfort him.

**Lauralot:**

"Does everybody know?"  His voice is so small.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I think so," she says gently, taking his hand, "Just because there was a lot of stuff you used to say when you weren't in your right mind that—if we hadn't already known what you were worrying about, it wouldn't have been obvious. But, Bucky? The reason no one brought it up is because they care about you, and they didn't want you to feel bad. And because it's not that important to them. They're not judging you about that."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky hides his face in his other hand

He knows she's probably right but

he just feels so stupid and broken

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She lets go of his hand and puts her arm around him. "It's okay," she says, "No one's ever been mad at you. They all knew you were traumatized. They know you can't help being sick."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky nods

He feels too tired of feeling bad about this to really freak out at this point

he just hugs onto her

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He's also kind of figuring out now that the bunk bed was definitely to get him to wear diapers.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

he gets red again

(also help I'm imagining Tasha adding increasingly more blankets to Bucky Bear as he glowers)

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Poor Bucky Bear

he suffers so much.

"When you got the bunk bed," Bucky mumbles sulkily.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

he looks at her semi-accusatorily

**Lauralot:**

She just nods.

"You were being stubborn."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He is very red. "I know," he mumbles.

**Lauralot:**

awwww Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She informs him that she's been wanting to tell him forever that the sheets are protected and he didn't have to be so scared of leaking on them, but he would've been horrified if she'd said anything.

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwwwwwwww

He feels like such a dumbass

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Poor Bucky

He kind of collapses on her and hides his face in her shoulder.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey

She rubs his back

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Maybe I should've just told you," she says softly, "I wanted you to be able to stop worrying. But I was afraid I'd make you feel worse."

**Lauralot:**

"It's not your fault.  I shouldn't have been so upset about it."

Even if he still feels upset about it, just not as much.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You can feel however you feel. You were afraid you'd be punished, for so long. You were scared."

**Lauralot:**

"I still made stuff way harder for myself then it had to be."

**perplexedhedgehog**

"I always told you that," she says, "But I know you couldn't help worrying."

Bucky Bear you anxious little wreck.

**Lauralot**

(Steve making soup when Bucky is claiming to feel too bad to sleep over at Tasha's, the soup has dumplings and the dumplings have smaller little bear ear dumplings attached)

Bucky nods.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve asks if Bucky Bear is maybe feeling bad because he's worrying about something.

**Lauralot:**

"Uh."  Bucky pokes at his soup.  "I don't know."

"He just says he feels bad."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve wants to know how he can make Bucky Bear feel better.

**Lauralot:**

"You could hug him," Bucky suggests

if his bear is getting Steve hugs all night, they can't spend the night with Tasha

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve obliges. "Bucky Bear, can you tell me why you're not feeling up to a sleepover? I know you love hanging out with Bear Widow.

**Lauralot:**

"His tummy hurts," Bucky explains.  "It's like it's full of moths."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"How can we fix that?"

**Lauralot:**

"I dunno," Bucky whispers.  "He's scared."

"He's scared he'll mess up and Bear Widow won't like him anymore."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Why wouldn't she like him anymore?"

**Lauralot:**

"What if she thinks he's pathetic or awful?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"She's his friend. Why would she think that?"

**Lauralot:**

"Maybe she won't want to be his friend anymore."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I think she'd give him another chance. But what is he worried about doing that would make her not want to be his friend?" Steve kind of has an idea but he wants to let Bucky get there on his own.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky whispers too quietly for Steve to hear

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve pulls Bucky close so he can whisper in his ear.

**Lauralot:**

"What if he has an accident on her bed?"

Bucky's shaky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve holds him close. "Doesn't he have protection he can wear? Maybe he can borrow Hawkbear's pants to keep it private.”

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sniffles

"What if he makes a mess anyway?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"What do you mean? Is he afraid he'll leak?"

**Lauralot:**

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut and nods

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve pets his hair. "What if he was careful not to drink too much before bed?"

**Lauralot:**

"But what if it doesn't work?"  Bucky's breathing is getting faster.  "And then he can't hide it?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Hmm," Steve rubs Bucky's back. "Well, it might happen, that's true. But I think Bear Widow wouldn't get mad. Although I think it's his choice, but I'd hate to see him miss out on something he loved."

**Lauralot:**

"But..."  Bucky bites his lip.  "Can't he just see her and play with her without sleeping there?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"If that's what he wants. But he has fun talking with Bear Widow all night, doesn't he?"

**Lauralot:**

"But he's scared."  Bucky's eyes are all wet.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He can take a break from sleeping over if he wants. But maybe he could also ask Tony to make better protection for him?"

**Lauralot:**

Bucky stiffens

But he also doesn't want to hide from Tasha forever

"I g-guess."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve hugs him close. "It's okay, Bucky Bear. Bear Widow is your friend."

**Lauralot:**

"Bucky Bear needs more hugs," Bucky tells him, clinging

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve gives lots of hugs, and soon after that, Bucky starts steeling himself to talk to Tony.

**Lauralot:**

Steve offers to help him practice what to say, but Bucky's too embarrassed

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He just wants hugs

**Lauralot:**

Steve gives him lots of those

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Of course.

**Lauralot:**

Steve texts Nat to let her know that Bucky and his bear aren't feeling up to a sleepover

**WhatEvenAmI:**

And Bucky braces himself to approach Tony.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

it takes him days

**WhatEvenAmI:**

When he finds out from Nat that everyone knew, there is a lot of nightly slipping into their beds and clinging because he needs to know they don't really hate him.

**Lauralot:**

oh sweetie

everyone is very accommodating

**WhatEvenAmI:**

During this time Steve also must spend a lot of time burritoing a grizzling Bucky Bear.

Omg

Bucky Bear grizzles a lot

so he must be a GRIZZLY Bear

**Lauralot:**

BUCKY BEAR

Steve gets so good at burritoing

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Everyone always knew," Bucky mumbles shakily in Steve's ear.

**Lauralot:**

Steve assures him that no one cared

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I feel stupid."

**Lauralot:**

Steve assures him he isn't stupid and no one thinks that

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"All this time trying to hide it and everyone knew."

**Lauralot:**

Steve holds him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Everyone was conspiring to get him to wear pull-ups too.

So he feels really dumb.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey no

they just wanted to help without adding to your trauma

**WhatEvenAmI:**

But it's this huge private thing with a lot of fear and rejection connotations for him and everyone already knew and he doesn't know how to process that.

He sobs a little on Steve's shoulder.

**Lauralot:**

Steve rocks him and asks if he should call the Worths

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He sucks his thumb and shakes his head. It's just—

"No one hated me?" he asks in a very small voice.

**Lauralot:**

"No, Bucky.  Everyone loved you.  They still do."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He puts his head on Steve's shoulder and tries to process that.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

Steve pats his back

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He has to hide his face because he's so overwhelmed at being loved like that.

**Lauralot:**

d'awwwwwww

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Okay but imagine a slumber party with Tasha and Crystal, and they all do each others' nails and hair

Bucky balks at having his hair played with

but then feels bad and left out when he sees them having fun and knows they aren't like Pierce

so he tentatively goes up to them and tells them they can brush it out if they don't do anything else.

**Lauralot:**

aw honey

they promise to be very gentle

No one bothers Bucky Bear's fur or his ears

**WhatEvenAmI:**

His hair is so soft

they keep petting it

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwww

Bucky is a little tense but tries to just breathe slowly

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Awww Buck

They continue to be respectful and not like Pierce

**Lauralot:**

Bucky relaxes a tiny bit

They're careful to explain what they're doing whenever they touch him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Then he gets to brush their hair

He is careful not to use his metal hand because of that time he got his hair stuck in it.

**Lauralot:**

Awww

Bucky is nervous and keeps asking if they're okay while he's brushing

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They assure him they're fine and they teach him how to braid.

**Lauralot:**

awwwww

Bucky Bear is very confused at the appeal of this but still watches intently

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He will have the best bear braiding skills.

**Lauralot:**

awww

he is planning ways to utilize this on missions

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Okay but Crystal using some of Tony's specially-designed pull-ups as part of her ageplay (without Bucky having told her yet that he wears them.) And she's wearing a frilly little nightgown that sometimes rides up to show her pull-up and he is just stunned that she can be so casual about wearing it.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Anyone can SEE it

**Lauralot:**

Bucky it's okay

Nobody is going to be mad or mean about it

**WhatEvenAmI:**

sometimes it flies up when she's doing somersaults or jumping on the mattress or she's just sitting in that unselfconscious legs-wide-open way that little kids have, and he can't believe she's not embarrassed at all to have her pull-up out like that.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

then again

she can control her body

even if she uses the pull-ups for their intended purpose, which Bucky does NOT intend to ask her about, she can keep it discreet and choose when to do it.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

even the ducklings didn't make fun of you for that

No one is going to judge you

**WhatEvenAmI:**

No, but

it's just so weird to him that she can walk around with it out like that and not care

he could never.

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

hug your bears, that always helps

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Her pull-ups do have very cute designs on them.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky, Tony will make you any design you want

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He'd be so embarrassed to ask

but she has Hello Kitty and Moana and he’s kind of jealous.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

it's okay, Bucky

have JARVIS ask for you

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He keeps trying not to stare at Crystal's pull-ups.

(He would really like Ariel)

(Also Tony would barely refrain from printing the slogan "Darling it's better down where it's wetter" on there)

**Lauralot:**

TONY

TONY WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

but yes Bucky with Ariel designs would be the greatest

**WhatEvenAmI:**

It really would!

**Lauralot:**

Honestly I wouldn't be shocked if Tony decided to make some on his own time while he was making Crystal's

Bucky likes princesses, right?  What could go wrong?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky is so so red when he gets his next supply

but also he loves them.

**Lauralot:**

awww

he nerds out in the privacy of his bedroom

(He inadvertently packs the princess kind on his next duckling sleepover and spends the whole time stressing about them somehow seeing)

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He keeps cuddling up on Crystal because he kinda wants to but would never compare pull-ups with her.

**Lauralot:**

aawwwww honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She notices he's weirdly clingy on her but has no idea what to make of it.

**Lauralot:**

Mayling might offer to help him change, since she does that with Crystal

And Bucky gets even redder than usual

(The ducklings also totally try to lay out his pajamas for him while he's in the bath tub having rubber duck adventures)

**WhatEvenAmI:**

awwwwww

Okay but if he was embarrassed because his discussion with Natasha triggered the revelation that all the Avengers always knew about his bedwetting problem

**Lauralot:**

yes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

imagine the reaction when his mumbled confession to Crystal leads to the revelation that the whole world has known ever since his trial?

**Lauralot:**

oh HONEY

he's going to hide under his bed for days

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve comes to check on him and hears sniffling from under the bed.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

Steve sits down next to the bed

**WhatEvenAmI:**

There's a little choked noise that sounds like it might be Bucky trying to say something.

**Lauralot:**

ohhhhhh

Steve gets under the bed with him as much as he can fit

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky octopuses hard

**Lauralot:**

"Everybody _knows_."  He's so upset

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Everybody knows..."

**Lauralot:**

"Everybody in the wh-whole world is l-l-laughing at me!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Okay. Okay, Bucky, what happened?" Steve rubs his back and forces himself to stay calm. He's assuming someone harassed Bucky in public somewhere.

**Lauralot:**

"At the trial!"  Bucky's crying into his shirt.  "M-my doctor said and th-that means everybody knows about it!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Oh, honey. Okay, which part of what he said?" Steve is still assuming some street harassment went down.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky's so upset that it takes Steve a minute after he stammers it out to realize he's said "The accidents!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He makes a deeply sympathetic noise and pulls Bucky close to him. He rubs his back, trying to get him to breathe.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky's trembling all over

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Shh, shh, shh," Steve keeps saying. "You're all right. I've got you. Was someone mean to you?"

**Lauralot:**

Bucky shakes his head

It sounds so _stupid_ to admit he just now realized but before all he could focus on was that people knew what Pierce did

he never thought about _that_

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Okay," Steve says coaxingly, "So what happened here?"

**Lauralot:**

"I don't know!  I just th-th-thought about it and everybody knows!"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"But they're not laughing at you, right? Because they know you were traumatized."

**Lauralot:**

"I don't want anyone to make fun of me," Bucky whimpers.  "There are lots of people that hate me."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Those people don't matter. Lots of people love you."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just whimpers and shakes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I'm so sorry that your private information went out like that," Steve whispers, "I tried to stop it. You deserved better."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sniffles.

"It's not your fault.  Maria asked if I wanted to know what they were gonna say."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You should never have had to go on trial in the first place."

**Lauralot:**

"That was my fault," Bucky whispers.  "If I hadn't gone to the toy store..."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"We didn't know they'd find us," Steve whispered, "We should have been more careful. You just wanted to do something nice."

**Lauralot:**

"It's not your fault," Bucky insists.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"It's not yours either," Steve says firmly, "And you can't help the accidents and I know that, and I would never make fun of you. I love you, Bucky."

**Lauralot:**

"I know," Bucky whispers

"I love you too"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve gently rolls a very dusty Bucky with him out from under the bed and keeps hugging him.

He takes Bucky Bear and hugs him too.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sneezes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve smiles a little. He's just too cute.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky pouts a little

He's not cute

he's mortified and _wounded_

**WhatEvenAmI:**

But cute!

**Lauralot:**

WOUNDED

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve picks him up and gently bounces him toward the bathroom to wipe his face.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sneezes again

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Poor Bucky

Steve boops his nose

**Lauralot:**

the pouting intensifies

**Lauralot:**

Bucky is _miserable_ , Steve, stop thinking he's cute!

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve gently holds up some tissue for him to blow into

**Lauralot:**

Bucky does

He's still sniffling a little

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve gently dabs at Bucky Bear's face too.

**Lauralot:**

d'awwwwwwwwwww

Bucky Bear grizzles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, this section of the chatlog is a little unstructured, and we didn't really end it with any kind of conclusion to the story. So if we happen to take up the plotline again, that could become another chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gets...dark-ish and painful in the heart area. But there's some good stuff in here that we felt APSHDS readers might like to see!
> 
> Based on [this AU-style interlude](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3705493/chapters/9571044) Lauralot wrote after reader speculation on what would have happened if Pierce had survived TWS and been taken into SHIELD custody, as well as [this APSHDS-canon interlude](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3705493/chapters/8258548) written about what happened when Pierce's daughter discovered his "secret room".
> 
> Based on that interlude, WhatEvenAmI wrote [this one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4195374/chapters/14978431), which is also referenced in this chapter.

  **WhatEvenAmI:**

Okay but in the AU where Pierce survived

**Lauralot:**

yes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

after Bucky finally breaks down and tells Natasha what Pierce did when he wet the bed

**Lauralot:**

yeah

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Pierce mysteriously begins to suffer from a painful and debilitating illness

**Lauralot:**

Which Natasha caused?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

well no one can seem to prove it

**Lauralot:**

of course

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She does go sit at his bedside to ask him some questions

**Lauralot:**

oh man

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She just wants some things answered!

Really!

**Lauralot:**

And she will get them because she is the Black Widow and people will answer her one way or another

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She wants to ask if he remembers a couple of specific events.

**Lauralot:**

Yeah?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Oh, a couple of specific events when he had the Soldier at his house and was having him act as a child

and what he was thinking when he did these things

**Lauralot:**

oh Nat

there will be no satisfactory answer

but I'm sure you know that

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Oh, she just wants him to know the reason he is currently in so much pain

and understand the full extent of what he did

She also wants to know if he remembers the night Snowflake wet the bed, for sure.

**Lauralot:**

He does, although I'm sure not as vividly as Bucky

 **WhatEvenAmI:** ****

What does Pierce say?

**Lauralot:**

Natasha is the best

I imagine he usually attempts to act completely bored with/uninterested in what she has to say

Though I'm not sure how that facade holds up after certain levels of pain and suffering

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Do you remember?"

**Lauralot:**

He nods.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"And can you tell me how you responded?"

**Lauralot:**

Pierce finds it in him to smirk a little.  "What does it matter? Is he still upset after all these years?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She doesn't say yes. "I'd just heard some stories about your grand mission to save mankind. I wanted to know more about it. So, how did you respond?"

**Lauralot:**

He honestly can't fully remember the details after all these years.  It was just another night to him. "He was punished and he apologized."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He was punished," she repeats. "So you were supposing he chose to do what he did?"

**Lauralot:**

"He's thirty," Pierce says.  "Or there about."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"And when you were thirty, had you ever had high levels of electricity used on your brain? Had you ever been left naked in a cell after being beaten within an inch of your life? Had you ever been subjected to any of the sorts of punishments you chose to inflict?"

**Lauralot:**

"And this is what you're angry about?  Not any of that? Seems like a waste of energy."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Oh, I have questions about a lot of things, Alex."

She asks him if he remembers what he was thinking the first time he ordered Bucky to act as a child.

"You have to understand," she says, "If you look at it from the perspective of someone who's lost most of their memories, the remaining ones do tend to stand out."

**Lauralot:**

what he was thinking was 'finally there's something that makes him squirm"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Nat is relentless, questioning him about certain times he hurt Bucky

She also doesn't want to give away to Pierce that the bedwetting issue is lingering in Bucky's mind, so she makes sure to ask lots and lots of other questions.

**Lauralot:**

Pierce is infuriatingly nonchalant in all his answers

He's sure something she's asking about is still an issue with Bucky so

Something he says will have to get under his skin eventually

*her

**WhatEvenAmI:**

I mean she already knows that Pierce is terrible. She just kind of wants to know if he legitimately had no idea there was still personhood left in Bucky while he was torturing him.

**Lauralot:**

I'm not sure if he didn't know or didn't care

Probably more the former than the latter, but if he had realized, I doubt he'd have stopped

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You might as well be honest with me. The world already knows that you're a pervert. They're not even thinking of you as the man who led to power right under SHIELD's nose. They're thinking of you as a the man who raped a brainwashed prisoner who was conditioned to act like a child. What could you possibly tell me that's worse than that?"

She raises her eyebrow at him as if to challenge him to answer her question and see if she can shock her with worse than what the world already knows about him.

**Lauralot:**

Pierce asks if he knows that she's here doing this

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Do you care?"

**Lauralot:**

"I don't imagine he'll be grateful to you."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You might be surprised."

**Lauralot:**

He just shrugs

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She hangs around probing until his next dose of painkillers is delivered. She's hoping they'll get him more talkative.

**Lauralot:**

"He hated feeling incompetent," Pierce says offhandedly.  "If I were you, I wouldn't let him know that you're here fighting his battles for him."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She shrugs. Bucky has changed a lot—he still doesn't like feeling weak, but he'll probably have some level of gratitude for her to go after Pierce like this. And Bucky won't get any honest answers from Pierce himself; it'd all be manipulations. (Although the honest answers might break him—logically he knows Pierce never really loved him or cared about him, but he might break down or actually murder Pierce in the face of this nonchalant dismissiveness.)

**Lauralot:**

poor Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She starts another round of prodding once his eyes go glassy from painkillers.

**Lauralot:**

be careful Natasha, listening to this stuff is only going to make you pissed and disgusted

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She is sure of that. But she needs to know how best to help Bucky going forward. And she needs him to know that Pierce is suffering for hurting him—that he doesn't hold all the power now.

**Lauralot:**

yeah

still

her resolve is incredible for not just setting him on fire

**WhatEvenAmI:**

yes

she also does want to get at some information that might possibly help Bucky heal/move on from Pierce.

But making him suffer is enough. She can see the pain in his eyes, even through the painkillers he's on.

**Lauralot:**

good

augh I just made it even worse in my head like always

**WhatEvenAmI:**

yeah?

**Lauralot:**

I imagined her going to do this like the day that Bucky gets the rabbit in the mail

Just

seeing him clinging to it all listlessly, and then walking off to go interrogate Pierce

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Ohhhhh hell yes.

"What was he like when he was with you?" she presses.

**Lauralot:**

"Needy."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"By nature? Or because you conditioned him to be."

**Lauralot:**

"He was like that before I ever told him to act like a child."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"How so?"

**Lauralot:**

"He was always staring at me. Following me around. Asking me not to leave  It got to be pathetic."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Did you ever think about his motives?"

**Lauralot:**

"I didn't particularly care. Did you ever think of what it's like to have someone functionally immortal reminding you that you're aging every time you see him?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"So by leaving, you mean he asked you not to die."

**Lauralot:**

"He meant it every possible way. He'd say it sometimes if I left the room."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She nods. "If his neediness was a problem to you, what drove you to make him needier? A five-year-old is by far more needy than an adult assassin."

**Lauralot:**

"He made me uncomfortable. I just looked until I found something that did the same to him, to return the favor."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He just made you uncomfortable. I'm not seeing why you kept him around, then."

She points out that Pierce spent a lot of time taking him home as the Soldier.

**Lauralot:**

"Because he used to make me happy. Then he was a challenge. Then he amused me."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I see. And how did you justify using him for these purposes? It clearly wasn't a necessary function of HYDRA."

**Lauralot:**

"I wanted to."

He doesn't really have an explanation beyond that. **  
** other than maybe the vague sense that the world owed him after all he was doing to save it

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"And you didn't think of him as a person," she guesses, "Not fully, anyway."

**Lauralot:**

"He seemed like one at first. But it became obvious he wasn't."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"How so?"

**Lauralot:**

"The only emotional reactions he had were the ones I told him to have.  He didn't feel anything on his own."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She asks him if that's how he justified some of the punishments he used on Bucky when he was acting as a child.

**Lauralot:**

He tells her he didn't need to justify anything.  If he didn't want to be punished, he knew how to avoid it.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She asks him again about a couple specific times, trying to get more answers out of him.

**Lauralot:**

He's more talkative than before, at least

**WhatEvenAmI:**

One of the things she asks about is the time Bucky wet the bed.

**Lauralot:**

"He did it deliberately."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Why do you think he would do that?"

**Lauralot:**

"I have no idea. But that's the only time it ever happened. With me or on the missions. So he meant to do it."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I thought you said he didn't have emotions outside the ones you told him to have."

**Lauralot:**

"Maybe his programming was breaking down that day, I've no idea.  But he knew what he was doing."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She asks him a whole bunch of other questions and then assures him that she's sure he will recover. Slowly and painfully, though.

**Lauralot:**

of course

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She goes home and Bucky has had his little revelation with the bunny and is having Pepper help him doctor it

Bucky Bear is giving it hugs

it needs help

**Lauralot:**

awwwwwwwwwww bunny

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She debates for now on whether to tell him anything Pierce said

It'll hurt, but it might help in the long run.

**Lauralot:**

Yeah

She might decide to wait until after the bunny is settled

Bucky still looks a little shaken up from all that

**WhatEvenAmI:**

But she understands a little better now what the bunny needs to heal.

"He's been told a lot of bad things and it's hard to stop believing they're true, isn't it?"

**Lauralot:**

yeah

Bucky nods

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She kisses the bunny's head. He's damp from getting a gentle bath.

"Getting better takes a long time, but we won't give up on him."

**Lauralot:**

awww

the bunny wants a Nat hug

**WhatEvenAmI:**

And he gets one!

Nat takes Steve aside and lets him know, "I think the bunny represents him, when he was a kid with Pierce. So no matter how much it repulses you..."

**Lauralot:**

Steve is still really really not happy about this bunny but

He is willing to deal with it

for Bucky's sake

**WhatEvenAmI:**

yes

Nat later tells Bucky, when he is an adult again, that Pierce fell mysteriously ill a few weeks back, almost as if he'd somehow been poisoned.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky gives her a look

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"It was around the time we had that long talk," she says.

**Lauralot:**

He looks down and gets red

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He won't die," she says quietly, "But he will suffer a great deal. I know because I interrogated him today."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky wants to ask if she brought up what they talked about but

he's scared to find out

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He asks if they talked about him and she says they did. "I recorded everything he said. I can show you, if you want. But if you choose not to hear it, I'll understand. It will hurt, Bucky."

**Lauralot:**

He doesn't know what to say.  It's not like there's ever going to be anything Pierce could say that would justify anything.

But part of him wants to hear it anyway.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You know that everything he said to you was to manipulate you. But emotionally, it's hard to let go of that. If you can bring yourself to look behind the facade, you'll see how wrong he was about you, and how shitty his justifications are. But I won't lie; it'll hurt a lot to hear it. And if you want to listen to it, I think you should do it in therapy."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky tries to nod, even though thinking about letting other people hear whatever awful things Pierce is going to say makes him feel sick

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She asks him if he has any questions.

**Lauralot:**

"Did you...did you talk about..." He can't make himself say it.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I didn't go into detail. I did ask him a couple of questions."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky sniffles.  He's too afraid to ask.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She gently places a hand on his arm. "If he remembers much about it, he didn't say. It's one of the most vivid memories that you have from that time in your life. For him it was just another night. He has a lot of other days to remember that you don't have. I'm sorry."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky just kind of cries on her

He's not sure what's even upsetting him, really, if it's that it came up or that Pierce barely even cares

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You have us," she says softly, "And we'll care about you every day of the year. You matter more to Steve than that."

**Lauralot:**

He nods a little

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He said you did it on purpose," she says gently, "But we both know that's not true. He was wrong about you. And he was wrong to hurt you. Look, if you're looking for apologies, or closure, or any kind of meeting on middle ground, I can tell you right now that he's not worth your time. I didn't take this recording for those reasons. I thought it might help you see how little he understood or cared about what you were going through, and move on from him to find your peace elsewhere. He won't give you the satisfaction of giving you any peace himself. You know that he won't."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky mumbles a yeah.

He doesn't know if he wants to hear it or not

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She very gently strokes the bunny's ears, bandaged and poking out of a blanket bundle. "It's a good thing this little guy's got someone to take proper care of him now, hmm?"

**Lauralot:**

"Uh-huh."

Bucky wipes at his eyes

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She wraps an arm around him. "He never has to go back to where he was. We'll make sure he gets everything he needs now."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky hugs onto her

**WhatEvenAmI:**

With great trepidation he takes the recording into the therapists' office. Steve and Nat go too, for moral support.

**Lauralot:**

He explains what the tape is and says he doesn't know if he should listen or not

**WhatEvenAmI:**

His doctors ask him what he hopes to get out of it.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky shrugs

"I want him to be sorry but I know he won't be."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Maybe he is and maybe not, but I don't get the sense he'd admit it if he was."

**Lauralot:**

"So I don't know what I want."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve strokes his hair and tells him he can choose not to give Pierce any more of his attention if he feels that would be best.

**Lauralot:**

"I don't know what's best," Bucky admits.  "I just wish someone could tell me."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I'm sorry," Nat says, "I can't do that. But having seen Pierce I can at least guarantee you that he's not resting comfortably right now."

**Lauralot:**

Bucky nods.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

She takes his hand

**Lauralot:**

He tries not to squeeze too hard on it

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Does he opt to hear it?

**Lauralot:**

Maybe not that day, but eventually he will

**WhatEvenAmI:**

After he does, Natasha quietly tells him it's up to him whether Pierce lives or dies and he says "Lives. I wanted him to be sorry, and he will be."

This is fully adult Bucky. Child!Bucky and the Soldier are too upset and need a lot of Steve support.

**Lauralot:**

ohhhhhh Bucky

Steve picks him up

**WhatEvenAmI:**

A lot of what Pierce said hurts

especially about him not really being a person

The Soldier knows he's not good at acting like a person. but he's _trying_.

**Lauralot:**

oh Soldier

**WhatEvenAmI:**

And Snowflake's still hung up on the bedwetting incident. "It was an accident," he whimpers, "I wouldn't be bad on purpose! I wasn't bad! It wasn't _fair!_ "

**Lauralot:**

you are a person

Steve assures Snowflake that he knows that

And that he wasn't bad at all

And he's sorry Pierce was such a bad father

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"He didn't really care whether you meant to or not," Tasha says gently, "I'm sorry. It wasn't fair."

**Lauralot:**

Snowflake just clings to Steve and his bears

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky wants to confront Pierce again.

So does the Soldier

But Snowflake wants to hide in Steve's shoulder and never come out.

"I loved him. And he was laughing at me the whole time."

**Lauralot:**

Steve holds him.

"It's not your fault, Bucky.  You weren't stupid for wanting to see the best in the only people you had."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"It just hurts," Bucky whimpers. "I just wanted him to love me. But he never really did."

**Lauralot:**

"I'm sorry."  Steve hugs on tight.  "I wish I could change that."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky presses his face into Steve's shoulder. "He didn't even think I had real feelings."

**Lauralot:**

"He was wrong, Bucky.  I'm so sorry he couldn't see how wonderful you are."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"All the times I said sorry to him, and said I loved him, and he didn't even really care."

**Lauralot:**

"I care.  I care so much, Bucky, and I'm sorry."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky clings on tight. "You're a good Daddy," he manages to say.

**Lauralot:**

Steve clings just as tight back

"You're wonderful, Bucky.  You're the best person anyone could have in their life."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky clings

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky

"I'm so happy you trust me to take care of you, Buck."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"You take care of me even when I'm not easy. Or that time I was really bad."

**Lauralot:**

oh Buckyyyyyyyyyy

"You always deserve to be loved and protected.  No matter what."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Okay," Bucky nods into his shoulder. "Can you read to me?"

**Lauralot:**

"Of course.  What book do you want?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky picks a variety - some of his favorite comforts, and some of the kids' books about processing trauma.

**Lauralot:**

(Milo just decided to curl up face first in a plastic bag, how is it possible to be this stupid)

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Milo you stop that.

All three of Bucky's personas prepare to confront Pierce.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky, please protect yourself

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"How dark can I go with this?" the Soldier asks, "I have an idea."

**Lauralot:**

oh Winter what are you doing

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He wants to know if they still have the chair. It's not hooked up to a computer, but Pierce doesn't need to know that.

**Lauralot:**

oh DAMN

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky can tell him SHIELD is pretty desperate for that information he's not giving up, and a little bit of mental confusion might be just the thing to help him let go of it.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky please be careful not to push yourself too hard

You almost passed out or had a panic attack the last time you saw the chair

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He can figure out a way to work around that.

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Steve is concerned but also really really wants to go dark on Pierce.

**Lauralot:**

Just make sure that this is what you want to do, Bucky

and not just something you're hoping will make you feel better

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He just wants to break that smug facade and see Pierce acknowledge somehow that what he did was wrong.

But he'll never get him to do that just talking to him.

 **Lauralot** **:**

yeah

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They spend a lot of time helping him de-condition from his trigger words.

**Lauralot:**

I didn't even think about the trigger words, poor Bucky

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Whenever Snowflake starts to feel bad about what he's about to do, he just thinks about Pierce saying "then he amused me" and hearing that echo over all the moments of his time with Pierce.

**Lauralot:**

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They decide to actually hook up the chair to a laptop so that it can crackle and make noise and do all the things that'll intimidate Pierce.

**Lauralot:**

oh man

Steve please make sure Bucky talks to his doctors after all this

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky spends a LOT of time in therapy practicing this

his doctors do not necessarily approve

**Lauralot:**

understandably

**WhatEvenAmI:**

but they will offer their best support if he decides he needs to go through with this.

**Lauralot:**

yeah

**WhatEvenAmI:**

When the time comes Bucky breezes nonchalantly into Pierce's room with Bucky Bear chilling under his arm. Pierce is still not 100% but is recovering and somewhat capable of sitting up.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky Bear is very bristly and protective

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He is glaring with all the power of his fierce 12-inch fuzziness

**Lauralot:**

aw Bucky Bear, you are the best bear

How does Bucky start off?

**WhatEvenAmI:**

A casual hello

He waits to see what manipulations Pierce is going to try

his Soldier side is fiercely protective of his little side right now.

**Lauralot:**

be careful Bucky

I imagine Pierce casually hellos back at him, albeit with an unspoken undercurrent of "how could you abandon me this long"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"SHIELD says you're _being uncooperative_ ,” Bucky says casually, with the light emphasis Pierce used to place on "being erratic" or "being bad"

**Lauralot:**

damn Bucky

"Did they say I'd been poisoned?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Oh, even before that." he shrugs. "Anyway, it's nothing compared to all the drugs you used to have pumped into me."

**Lauralot:**

"From what little I've heard about your life now, it seems your new friends are drugging you too."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

The Soldier is strategizing for Bucky and urges him not to confirm this. "I'm not here to talk about them."

**Lauralot:**

"Fine.  I just hope you can trust that you're safe with them, that's all."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Funny you of all people would say that." Bucky pulls out is phone. "I have a recording here of your conversation with Romanoff." He carefully doesn't give away his close relationship to Nat.

**Lauralot:**

"That conversation?  When I was drugged? I suppose you find her trustworthy enough to believe it isn't edited?"

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He shrugs. "I guess I'll have to take her word for it. But I doubt even she could make this shit up. Especially given how far you're reaching right now. In so many different directions. You really didn't want me to be able to see this side of you."

Bucky Bear is egging Bucky on

the Soldier has broken all allegiance to Pierce and has some rage to settle.

**Lauralot:**

you go, Bucky Bear

"You've seen every side of me by now. Some I regret. But I can't change that."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Actually, I haven't. But more to the point, you haven't seen every side of me. Or rather, you might have, but you refused to see. That thing about how you thought I wasn't really a person, for example."

**Lauralot:**

"It was easier to try not to see you as one, from the beginning.  When you're hoping to save the world, there are always unpalatable choices you try to ignore.  But I didn't start taking you away from the ice and the field because I thought your humanity was burned out.  I just happen to have the sense not to admit regrets and weaknesses to the hostile agent who had me poisoned."

Pierce shrugs.

"Of course, if you've already made up your mind, I lack the stamina right now to run myself ragged trying to change that, I'm sorry."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

It's a fortunate thing Bucky and Natasha haven't let Pierce see how close they are because he's trying to play the SHE'S AN UNTRUSTWORTHY DOUBLE AGENT WHO POISONED ME angle and he doesn't know that Bucky sobbed on her shoulder while she cuddled him and swore up and down that Pierce would pay for this.

**Lauralot:**

Very fortunate

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Funny how that's what you're sorry for." Bucky shrugs. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but if you had wanted real love, you'd have had it. But it's too late for that. I remember enough now to understand how much you enjoyed hurting me. Toying with me. Convenient when it's not a real person and you can justify it to yourself."

He glances over his shoulder. "Bring in the chair. Turn it way down to start. It'd probably kill him outright if you started him off as high they had it for me."

**Lauralot:**

oh hell yes Bucky

Pierce stares at him for a long moment.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky stares right back. "We're going to give you a little look at what it was like inside my head while you had me," he says quietly. "And it serves a dual purpose, because SHIELD really does need all that information you've been holding onto."

**Lauralot:**

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you I'm sorry.  I can't convince you, and even if I did, I don't deserve your forgiveness.  So if you're here to hurt me, go ahead. I can't say it isn't justified."

His voice is very deliberately still.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky is simultaneously satisfied and not satisfied. While the chair is brought in, he carefully watches Pierce's face instead of the monstrosity being wheeled in behind him. "I had to watch this thing powered up in a courtroom. Did you know I went on trial? Long story short, it sucked. But the point is that the whole world watched. They know what you did. They know _everything_ you did. Including all those times you brought me to your house for unofficial HYDRA business."

**Lauralot:**

Pierce swallows.  Hard. "You're more likely to kill me with that than retrieve anything."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Even now it's hard for Bucky's little side not to care that he's hurting Pierce like this, even if his adult and Soldier side are enjoying it. So he sighs, just as heavily and sadly as Pierce used to mock-sigh before acting like Snowflake had left him no choice but to punish him.

A small group of SHIELD agents enter the room and begin to move Pierce into the chair. Bucky shifts Bucky Bear in his arms so he can have a better view, holding tight to him.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky can

"I won't fight you.  I won't give anything to SHIELD, but you deserve to do this, Bucky.  For what I put you through."

Bucky can't completely tell if he's faking or not

Bucky Bear is not moved

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Once he's strapped helplessly into the chair with the bands around his head, Bucky forces himself to come closer and look right into his eyes. It's still scary, after everything. But now he's sure Pierce can't see into his head. His eyes are just eyes.

**Lauralot:**

Pierce takes a deep breath that, despite his best efforts, is not steady.

"You're a good person, in spite of everything.  I can't take pride in that, but you should."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I want you to know one more thing before they turn on the current," he says quietly, "Abby contacted me. She saw the trial." Bucky's not sure if he's being manipulated, but he refuses to let his better nature show just now. Instead he reaches back for the bunny tucked into his waistband. "Must have found our room, too, because she sent me this. She didn't want it anymore."

**Lauralot:**

Pierce goes pale and grieving and angry all at once.  He never wanted her to know. He never wanted _anyone_ to know what he'd done.

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky watches his face and _now_ he's fully satisfied. "Not that I can ever be sure any apology I get from you is genuine, but you're right about one thing. I am a better person than you, and I'm not going to do this. I never was. I can't speak for SHIELD, though. I guess I just needed to see for myself that you really are human. I can hurt you. I can make you feel fear. And you have no power over me anymore." he rises, and the SHIELD agents begin to unlock Pierce from his restraints. "That's more real to me than anything that comes out of your mouth.' He stares at Pierce, a little bit sadly, trying to decide on some poignant last words to say to him, but all that comes out of his mouth is, "Goodbye."

**Lauralot:**

He and his bear leave before Pierce can say anything back to him, I hope

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They do. And then Bucky and Bucky Bear and Bunny all collapse into Steve's arms.

Bucky is so proud of himself

**Lauralot:**

oh Bucky

Steve is proud of them too

which he tells them

a lot

**WhatEvenAmI:**

but Snowflake really really needs a daddy to cling to right now.

**Lauralot:**

of course

**WhatEvenAmI:**

He cries and cries, even though he knows the truth and that his last daddy didn't ever really love him. It's hard not to feel guilty for hurting him.

**Lauralot:**

oh honey

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"Don't leave me," he begs Steve.

**Lauralot:**

"I'll never, ever leave," Steve assures him

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They keep Bucky under observation in case Pierce said some subtle trigger that they missed

**Lauralot:**

they're careful to keep him as comfortable as possible during the observation

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Nat comes up to him and takes his hand. "I am impressed," she says with a little smile.

**Lauralot:**

"Thanks," Bucky tells her.  "For the tape and...everything."

**WhatEvenAmI:**

"I'm glad you got more good out of it than pain."

She hugs him.

**Lauralot:**

Bucky gives a very tight hug back

**WhatEvenAmI:**

That night he sleeps in Steve's bed. It's hot, so he wears just a Captain America T-shirt and a pull-up. He's a little shy about it, but not ashamed anymore.

Steve tells him he's adorable.

**Lauralot:**

good

Steve also ruffles his hair

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky thinks of his last daddy probably all sad and alone. But then he remembers all the times he felt sad and alone, and how he has better family now. And he climbs into Steve's lap and gives him a big kiss and asks if they can color together.

**Lauralot:**

Steve is in favor of coloring together

He asks if Bucky wants a coloring book or just paper

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Just paper. They can make stories together. Maybe even a book.

**Lauralot:**

yay books

Steve gets out all the paper and crayons, markers, colored pencils, etc

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Nat comes over to check in and ends up coloring with them.

**Lauralot:**

awww

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Bucky squirms a little because he's still wearing just a shirt and pull-up, but she's seen it before and never made fun of him. Only his last daddy ever said anything mean, and his last daddy has no power anymore.

**Lauralot:**

it's okay Bucky

Nat won't judge you

**WhatEvenAmI:**

Later that night Tasha takes Bucky aside. She's nervous, but she tries to be casual as she asks him if he's going to stop needing his little side because he's addressed the root of it and looked behind Pierce's web of lies.

Bucky says he doesn't think so, because his little side is a fully-formed headspace by now and he doesn't think it'll ever go away.

"Even if it does," he adds, staring right at her, "I'll still be little so you can be too. You were always there for me when I needed someone. I'll never forget that."

**Lauralot:**

oh Buckyyyyyyyyyyyy

and Nat

BOTH OF THEM

**WhatEvenAmI:**

They hug.

**Lauralot:**

So many hugs

 


End file.
